Should You Get A “Sleep Divorce?”

Here’s a trend that’s been popping up in conversations with clients: couples are choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms.

Known as “sleep divorce,” the act of catching Zs in separate beds (and sometimes even separate homes) is becoming increasingly popular, with one in five couples reporting separate sleep arrangements.

But why would you get a sleep divorce, and is it right for you and your partner?

Let’s dive in.

“Sleep Divorce,” Explained

Sleep divorce refers to couples who choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms to improve the quality of their sleep.

It’s touted by celebs like Cameron Diaz and Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss and her husband actor Jay Mohr, who take it a step further by living on separate floors of the same apartment building.

Think of it as drawing boundaries for the sake of health and harmony. If one partner is a snorer, a night owl, or a restless sleeper, it can wreak havoc on the other’s rest, leading to resentment and relationship dissatisfaction. As for Jeanie and Jay, it may also allow each partner to preserve their autonomy in their own separate living space without a partner around all the time.

Unlike an actual divorce, a sleep divorce doesn’t necessarily signal trouble in the relationship. Instead, it’s a strategic, often loving decision to prioritize better sleep and, in many cases, a better relationship.

Why Get A Sleep Divorce?

Couples may choose to sleep separately for many reasons, including:

1. Snoring or sleep apnea: Approximately 45% of adults snore occasionally, and 25% snore regularly. Persistent snoring can lead to chronic sleep deprivation for the partner. A recent study revealed that 75% of respondents who share a bed with a snorer say the snoring impacts their sleep, and 77% say it affects their well-being.
2. Different sleep schedules: One partner may be a night owl while the other is an early bird, making shared sleep difficult.
3. Restless movement: Tossing, turning, or periodic limb movements can disturb a partner’s rest.
4. Temperature preferences: Disagreements over thermostat settings or blankets can be a dealbreaker in shared sleep.

Ultimately, the primary motivator is improved sleep quality, which has ripple effects on physical health, emotional regulation, and relationship satisfaction.

Drawbacks of Sleeping in Separate Beds

While a sleep divorce can improve rest, it may not be for you.

One concern is the potential loss of physical intimacy. Sharing a bed offers opportunities for spontaneous closeness, like cuddling, late-night conversations, or falling asleep together.

There’s also the risk of perceived emotional separation. Even if sleeping apart is a mutual and practical decision, it may be misinterpreted as a sign of relationship trouble, either by one partner or by others.

Some couples may feel pressure to maintain the appearance of traditional togetherness, especially around friends, family, or children.

Plus, a sleep divorce isn’t always easy to implement. Not all homes have the space for separate bedrooms, and coordinating separate sleep routines can be more complicated if kids, pets, or differing schedules are involved.

Sleep divorce may sound good in theory, but you’ll want to carefully weigh the pros and cons as a couple before going all in.

Keys to a Successful Sleep Divorce

A sleep divorce doesn’t work unless it’s a mutual, intentional, and well-communicated decision. 

Here’s how to make it work for your relationship:

• Talk about it openly: Don’t just move to the guest room unannounced. Sit down together and explain your reasons, goals, and hopes for the new arrangement.
• Set boundaries and rituals: Create shared bedtime routines (like cuddling or watching a show together) before separating for sleep.
• Revisit and adjust: What works now might not work forever. Check in regularly and be willing to revise the plan as needed.
• Prioritize intimacy in other ways: Be deliberate about date nights, physical affection, and emotional check-ins.
• Frame it positively: Reinforce that this decision is about sleep, not about avoiding each other or being unhappy.

Like most things in a long-term partnership, success hinges on transparent communication and mutual respect. Be receptive to each other’s concerns, and remember that the driving purpose of the choice is to enhance, not harm, your relationship.

Final Thoughts

A sleep divorce isn’t a sign of failure. It might even be a sign of deep commitment to mutual well-being.

Every couple is different. For some, the idea of sleeping apart may feel cold or distant. For others, it’s a game-changer that brings more energy, fewer fights, and a healthier relationship dynamic.

So, should you get a sleep divorce?

That’s entirely up to you and your partner. Weigh the pros and cons, prioritize open communication, and be willing to adjust along the way.

Who knows, it could be the best thing you do for your relationship (and your REM cycle.)