I know—talking about prenups is hard and can bring up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings.
But diving in and doing this work is imperative to building a solid foundation for your marriage.
It’s especially important to have deep discussions around money early on. Rest assured, I’ll cover what questions to ask to get on the same financial page with your partner.
Here are four tips for bringing up a prenup in a healthy, effective way.
BEFORE getting married, what conversations about MONEY should you have with your partner?
Use this guide to discuss budgets, assets, debts, goals, joints bank accounts and more.
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1. Have The Money Talk
First things first: talk about money.
Before you have the prenup conversation, get on the same page about where you’re both at financially.
Here are a few topics to discuss as a couple:
- What is your monthly/annual income? What are the sources of your respective incomes?
- What kind of debts are you bringing into the marriage? These can include credit cards, student loans, or a car payment, to name a few.
- What are your respective monthly expenses? Which monthly expenses will you split as a married couple? Will you split everything evenly or adjust your contributions based on your income?
- What are some big future expenses you should plan for? This could be a two-week vacation in the Bahamas or re-siding your house. How much will you set aside from each paycheck to make these dreams happen?
These are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to financial discussions. Still, they serve as a crucial springboard for planning your financial future as a married couple.
Plus, the answers to these questions lay the foundation for the clauses you may consider for your prenuptial agreement.
Check out my “Talking Money” conversation guide here for a full breakdown of conversation starters. This includes worksheets and Q&As to help you and your partner get on the same page about finances.
2. Use The Right Language
Once you’ve unpacked your and your partner’s finances, it’s time to talk prenuptial agreements.
The real trick to starting this convo is to use the correct language so it doesn’t feel like you’re coming from a place of distrust.
Because truthfully, it’s the opposite.
Crafting a prenuptial agreement is one of the strongest ways to build trust and transparency in your relationship. Essentially, you’re laying all your cards on the table—the good and the bad—so you can make informed decisions about protecting each other’s finances.
Apply these suggestions to keep the dialogue positive:
- Begin the conversation about how you want to plan for your marriage together. Express your thoughts with phrases like, “I’ve been thinking about how we can build the strongest foundation for our marriage,” which shows that you’re thinking about the longevity and health of your relationship. This allows the conversation to be seen as another aspect of planning your life together.
- Frame the conversation around mutual benefits and security, emphasizing that a prenuptial agreement is a practical tool to ensure both of you are protected and supported, no matter what the future holds.
- Once you’re educated on the laws of your state, you may want to explain why they may not be in the best interests of your marriage or why they could harm your future business and/or personal growth.
- Use affirming language like, “I want us both to feel secure and confident as we step into our future together,” which focuses on the agreement as a form of mutual care and respect, not just a formality.
- When bringing up the topic, choose a calm and relaxed setting where you both feel at ease. Make sure to frame the discussion as a dialogue, not a demand.
By keeping the conversation positive, collaborative, and grounded in your care for each other’s well-being, you can smoothly navigate what might otherwise be a sensitive topic.
3. Emphasize How Prenups Write the Rules for Your Marriage
Simply put, a prenuptial agreement is the most effective way to maintain control of your finances.
If you divorce without a prenup, the fate of your assets rests with the court and the state’s laws that act as your prenup anyway. This is especially true of 50/50 divorce states like California, where the court may divide your assets right down the middle, regardless of who made which purchases.
A prenuptial agreement allows you to rewrite the law to your specifications.
Instead of relying on the government to even the playing field, you’re in the driver’s seat and can precisely dictate what stays yours regarding asset division.
This keeps you both in control and saves time, money, and stress in the long term.
4. Listen To Your Partner
Your partner is likely to have questions. Now is not the time to dismiss them or get defensive.
Signal your respect by actively listening to your partner’s views and concerns and validating them as necessary.
Encourage open-ended questions and express a willingness to work together with phrases like, “Let’s figure out what works best for both of us.”
This approach helps reach a mutual agreement more effectively and strengthens your relationship by building trust and open communication.
Next Steps: Consult An Experienced Prenup Attorney
Phew, you did it! That was hard, but it’s going to be well worth the effort.
Like many challenging conversations in life, the prenup talk can be an empowering tool for your relationship and bring you even closer to your spouse-to-be.
While you can write your own prenup, I suggest engaging with an experienced family law attorney to help you craft the most effective document possible. These lawyers know the ins and outs of prenup law, especially the specifics of the state where you plan to live.
Book a consultation call with me to get started on crafting your customized California prenup. My goal is always to make the process seamless so you and your partner can lay the foundation for a long and happy marriage.